I slipped out of the habit of writing about running for two compelling and equally dubious reasons excuses.

1. I had a bad post-race experience (see here for details) which confused me on what to write
2. I was running – I found myself thinking about writing whilst I could legitimately be running and err… running won.

Nonetheless, I always meant to catch up on the “blog” filling in interesting running tales as I had time.  Including, for example – the first time I tried back to back runs (i.e. running two long runs on consecutive days) which is supposed to improve your mental strength as you experience exhaustion sooner – instead I ended up sulking and walking large chunks. And that time in Greece when Andreas and I faced off with a pack of stray dogs – absolutely terrifying – but I also ran in just a sports bra for the first time (because 32°C!!!).  I was going to rant about the “bikini” body myth (but someone did that for me here) and how losing weight has some downsides – secondary amenorrhea inter alia.  How actually, eating 1200 kcal a day and a low fat diet is just setting yourself up for failure etc. BUT then more races happened.  More training happened.  More firsts and more training.  And then some of the things I wanted to vent about weren’t so simple to articulate.

So – I ate, I trained, I ate some more, I trained some more – I rested, relaxed a bit, took the diet a little less seriously (and predictably gained weight) – but felt better.  My womb started working again (if a little unreliably), I cared less about how I looked and tried instead to focus on how I felt and what I could do.

And this is when it gets interesting.  I gained back ~6 kg but was able to run faster and further.

Here is the list of the races I did in 2016, along with my weight and time (and the last race of 2015 for comparison).

RACE	DATE	WEIGHT	DISTANCE	TIME
Bedford Harriers Half 2015	3/12/15	64.9 kg	21 K	2:25:33
Castle Combe Chilly 10 K	21/02/16	56.7 kg	10 K	57:09
*Sheffield Half	15/04/16	55.8 kg	21 K	2:29:00
WAR OCR 20 K	23/04/16	54.4 kg	20 K	2:48:00
*Liverpool Half	28/05/16	54.4 kg	21 K	2:45:00
Chiltern Challenge Ultra	16/07/16	59.0 kg	50 K	7:52:10
Dublin Half	07/08/16	58.9 kg	21 K	2:00:58
Harwell Half	29/08/16	59.1 kg	21 K	1:57:59
Bristol Half	25/09/16	58.8 kg	21 K	1:52:24
Exmoor Trail Ultra	30/10/16	59.5 kg	48.2 K	7:54:50
Bedford Harriers Half	04/12/16	59.9 kg	21 K	1:54:04

* These races I ran at my brothers pace, to be fair, but the Sheffield half I am not sure I could have gone much faster anyway!

NOTE: NOPE those 50 K races are not typos, Andreas and I skipped marathons this year and went straight for some Ultra distances!

What is strangely fascinating about this race chart is – when I was at my lightest, not only was I miserable and living in a state of perpetual hunger – but I was also not performing as well.  FOR EXAMPLE, it was only once I regained some weight and totally lowered my expectations of race performance that I broke the sub-2-hour time barrier for a half.

The Harwell half marathon was not meant to be a record breaking PB kind of experience – it was 90% trail, uneven ground, with 2 very steep uphill sections – and yet somehow, because I was relaxed and out to have fun – it went by kind of effortlessly. Then, a month later, the Bristol Half comes along and, sub-2-hours should be a possibility – but I was at my cousins wedding until midnight so I didn’t have high hopes – but again, we completely smashed it.  Was I the 52 kg I was aiming to weigh? No.  Did I care?  Not much. 1:52:24!!! This is 33 minutes 9 seconds faster than my best time in 2015.

I would be lying if I said I had everything under control.  I don’t.  But if this year has taught me anything it’s that you shouldn’t have to compromise your physical and mental well being for an arbitrary goal.  Be this weight.  Run this time.  I have been guilty of both and it’s entirely meaningless if you aren’t healthy.  Weighing 53 kg didn’t make me happy.  Running 50 K, however, certainly did.  I shouldn’t be trying to squeeze myself into someone else’s unrealistic ideal – I shouldn’t be trying to please anyone other than myself.  If I do right by me then the rest is going to be what it will be and I am okay with that.  I love to run.  I enjoy training.  I enjoy racing.  I enjoy finishing something that tested me.  I am intrigued by the limits of human endurance and want to chase just a little bit of that feeling for myself.  But I also simply enjoy the act of running and the freedom it offers.  It wasn’t that I couldn’t run before, it was that I didn’t.  And now?  Running really has changed my life for the better and I am looking forward to the challenges I have set for 2017!